8 ½ months
In just two weeks by God’s grace and keeping to my routine every day, I will be 9 months sober. There is a surreal quality to the thought, the girl who couldn’t make it through a day of work without thinking about going home and getting blackout drunk before her abusive husband got home. The numbness was my code of living daily and I did whatever I needed to do to achieve it, many times which involved poor choices.
At the end of a pregnancy (9 months), you are typically rewarded with an amazing new life. Months of not owning your body, being uncomfortable and anticipation result in an incredible joy and love you never thought you would experience.
My new life instead started at the beginning of the 9 months. The downward spiral of worsening abuse, the increased obsession with alcohol and numbness, my life on a collision with disaster and potential early ending.
I woke up from a binge on Valentine’s day. I had missed a birthday lunch with my children due to being in bed drunk. I was never a public drinker, at home behind a closed door was my barroom. I was overwhelmed with a sense of impending doom, shaking so hard I could barely walk to my living room chair. I pleaded with God to help me to make a different life. I called my sister and she helped me to put together a plan to call my good friend to come and pick me up. With that, I walked out of my old life, barely able to climb the three stairs from my friend’s garage to her living room where I collapsed and sobbed on the couch for two days.
A plan came into place with guidance from my friend and God. I found Tallgrass and went to tour. I was shaking with fear just for the tour and could barely speak. I knew I was at the end or beginning of the road; the fork in the road was inevitable.
Since that pivotal day, I have had many growing pains the roller coaster of recovery is real, and the ups and downs are beyond difficult. There have been many layers of the onion that continue to peel off, sometimes at the most unexpected times. I have endured much personal turmoil, establishing a place to live, a new support group, a new way of life. My new life includes incredible blessings, and struggles. I have lost my father, I have set painful boundaries in family relationships, and am taking accountability for my personal life and decisions.
I have a clear focused sense of what is going on in my world and my inner self-day to day. I feel feelings, good and bad. I focus daily on letting them feel and process no matter how scary it might feel. I am willing and allow those around me wise in the ways of recovery to help guide my path. I have been beyond blessed with a God chosen mentor while at Tallgrass, and sponsor and home group. I choose to spend time with people living positive lives in recovery, I have already wasted 53 years in negativity and have no desire to be stuck in the past any longer.
Gratitude exists beyond description for God and the support network around me. With continued grace and focus, I will be celebrating umbilical and recovery birthdays in February. Thank you to all involved in saving my life.