Came To Believe

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I think I gave up on the idea of God sometime in High School. I went to church with my family as a kid. Got confirmed. The whole deal. But I always had doubts and finally just decided it was all fantasy. A fairy tale people told themselves to feel better about living a futile existence. I remember being kind of jealous of those people though. I saw that they had a sense of peace that I lacked but I just couldn’t wrap my mind around the whole thing. It didn’t make any sense to me.
I was 20 yrs. old when I walked into my first AA meeting. I knew that I couldn’t control my drinking even then. Through the clouds of cigarette smoke I saw the 12 steps hanging on the wall. When I read the second step, “Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity” I remember thinking “this is never gonna work for me. I don’t believe in God.” Then all these old guys got up and started talking about how God had “set them free” and how they were “living a life they never dreamed of” and I thought, “These guys are some kind of Jesus freaks or something…When is this over? …They’re trying to push religion down my throat… It’s great for you but not for me, thank you very much…When is this over again?…” And as soon as the meeting ended I was out the door and I stayed out for another 29 years.
By the time almost 30 years had passed I was in a pretty dark place. I didn’t drink for fun anymore, I didn’t drink because of stress or because of resentments or any of that other stuff. I drank because I was an alcoholic. I drank to keep from being sick. I drank so I wouldn’t go into DTs and stroke out. I didn’t want to die but I didn’t want to live either. I decided that maybe it was time to try treatment again. I had been twice before and failed horribly both times. I didn’t really have much hope that the third time would be a charm but I figured 30 days was better than nothing. On the second or third day of detox I was able clear my head enough to start reading the big book. It told me that I could continue down this road until the bitter end or I could accept spiritual help…ugh…I decided to give it a try. I became willing. I figured I had nothing to lose except more of the same. At the time I would have set my hair on fire if they told me to. So I started to try to pray. It felt so weird, so awkward, I felt like I was talking to myself and it was a waste of time but I did it anyway.
After detox I checked into Tallgrass and I met my Mentor. What a blessing! He made things simple enough for even me to understand! When we got to step 2, I told him I had been praying but that it felt empty. He said, “Keep doing it.” When I told him I wasn’t even sure I believed in a God. He asked me, “Are you willing to believe it’s possible?” I said, “Sure, it’s possible.” haha! “O.k. you’re done with step 2 for now” he said..”It says, Came to believe, If you wait to figure out what God is you’ll never get there!” haha “It will come.”
A year has passed since then and I have kept on praying. My Higher Power has done something I never could have done for myself. A year sober! I’ve also found some of that peace I used to see in others. Miracles are REAL people!
I kept praying. I kept going to meetings. I worked the steps. I got involved. I Came to believe!

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