We often set ourselves up for disappointment. Resting wickedly in the minutia of the world about us, meddling our way into the lives of others, we forget about our place in the universe and fall silently into seclusion. We withdrawal from our authentic selves and allow others to define us. Directly and indirectly. But (for me) the truth of the matter is, our definition comes from something much greater than you or me. The wisdom of the Divine allows us to be His children, under His watch and with His guidance.
For years I hid behind addiction. My escape into an alternate existence drove me further from His spiritual presence and allowed me to oscillate toward self. The instability of self-hatred left me craving answers that I knew would never come. I had lost touch with my inner most self and gravitated toward what pieces could be pulled together on the outside. Put on a smile, stand tall, act proud… even if on the inside you’re breaking, folding into yourself and filled with shame. Even into early recovery, my outsides never matched the inside. What I decided to show people was what I thought they wanted. It was never genuine until it had to be. Still today, it’s a battle, but most often, the healing heart wins out and you get to see the truth behind the jaded eyes of an addict in recovery.
Seeking harmony, I gathered up the defenses I thought were vital for the security of my heart, mind and soul, disregarding physicality, knowing it would be used up much faster than the rest. Sarcasm, cynicism, and humor quickly became the fighting face for the dying soul. Isolation conquered all. Present day, nearly three years into recovery, this is still what you get. The surface has been altered slightly, as there are occasional breakthroughs of clarity and submission. Most often, you’re going to find the defensive girl, protecting her heart in the only way she knows how. But when the surface is scratched, the shame and fear are not as disguised and the broken pieces are used as stepping stones toward healing. Most importantly, the disconnect is healthy.
It always seemed impossible, taking a prodigious amount of trust and faith for a wrecked soul like mine to connect to a restored soul like yours. Today, it is evident that our souls are the same. What is gnarled is my view. A new perception provides confidence that our souls can breathe in unison, building strength upon one another, if we allow it. Even so, it is no longer vital for my world to parallel yours. The sentience of others falls from my shoulders as I strengthen my alliance with God. But as our souls breathe, we receive love and grant hope. We carry the broken until they can walk again all while allowing ourselves to be lifted when we struggle. We allow the Divine to work through us, with us and for us. If only I can allow Him to become my soul, fill my heat and nourish my mind… it is then, that this wrecked soul will be restored with life.