Let’s face it… we all have days where we just feel like crap. The mornings that I literally wait until the very last second to get out of bed, knowing full well that I will be pushing to get where I need to be on time. The evenings when I get home from work and want nothing more than to lay in bed and read, but I have plans to go out. The weekends that I don’t want to talk to anyone, see anyone or think about anyone or anything. How craptastic!
So, on those days, the ones where I just feel like crap, what exactly is it that I can do to push forward? Generally, I just get up and do whatever I am supposed to do anyway. I didn’t feel like crap today, but I sure felt lazy. It’s raining (OK, mostly just spitting, but rainy-ish) outside… I love the rain. I would rather be at home, snuggled up in my bed, reading a book and sipping tea, than anything else. But, I also have responsibilities. So, I went to work, I did my job, and my day was just fine. I went and did some service work. I met with another alcoholic and worked with her on step three… the bright and glaring reminder that I need to keep seeking my conception of a Higher Power. And then I came home and read a book before writing this… So, I just show up, I do what I’m supposed to and I move forward.
The real problem arises when the “days of crap” link together and form a string of days or even a week… sometimes two. What do I do then? Same thing. Move forward. Get up, put one foot in front of the other and keep on trudging. Here’s the thing about days that we feel like crap… it’s not an all day deal. The other day I was immediately discontent when I woke up. Immediately. I got up anyway. I followed through with my commitments anyway. I had a great day. History proves that even if I am unhappy, restless or irritable when I wake up, there is bound to be at least one bit of laughter throughout my day. And that little, tiny piece of joy, just may be what I need to leave behind the crap and walk into the sunlight.
In early recovery someone told me that my worst day sober would still be better than my best day drunk. Today, I believe that to be true. We’ve been given this gift, this one life… we may as well enjoy it. I can remember just shutting myself down for days at a time in active addiction. I wouldn’t talk to anyone, I wouldn’t spend time with anyone (other than at work) and I was just existing. If I tried to do that today, I would miss out on way too much. I have been blessed with a pretty amazing host of friends. We are always doing something. Last weekend we went to art shows and live music. This next weekend, who knows. It doesn’t matter. What matters is that I can get through all of those days I feel like crap and move forward. It’s a bad day, not a bad life. And for that, I am grateful.