We really are just a bunch of misfits. At least my crew is anyway. I thrived on trying to be invisible for so long that I lost sight of what I really am. I am loud, snarky and eccentric. There is a distinct awkwardness in anything I attempt to do seriously. I struggle to focus during serious lectures, meetings or ceremonies. I smile when I’m nervous. I cry when I’m angry. I yell when I’m excited. All of this tells me one thing: You are different. My higher power, however, tells me something else: You are my creation. Once I could wrap my brain around the fact that I am no different from anyone else, life got better. If I can continue to remind myself that I am just one soul, created alongside all my brothers and sisters, made with emotion and intellect, life stays better.
One of the greatest gifts I have been given in recovery is to take the things that I feel make me terminally unique and embrace them. That invisibility that I thrived for has left. Don’t get me wrong… there are days that I would prefer no one talk to me and I talk to no one, but that is not how life works. I believe that we are introduced to people along the way that help guide our path. Some of these people will stay for longer periods of time than others. I don’t get to pick the timeline of friendships. God does. I just get to participate. I have said goodbye to some people I thought would never leave my side. I have also welcomed people into my heart that I never knew would weasel their way in. And I say that with love…
This weekend, I was talking with some girlfriends about this very thing. People coming in and out. Meeting new groups of people. That feeling of awkwardness. Being instantly drawn to some people. Slightly uncomfortable with others. It’s a hard thing to walk into a group of people who you don’t know. Sober. I process internally, and my emotions were on high alert for a while… I’m certain there are cliques in recovery, just as there are cliques at work, school and everything in between. Am I a part of a clique? Do I welcome others to our “circle of friends” openly? Are we friendly, open-hearted and grateful? Do I look at differences or similarities? Are principles placed before personalities? I think we do OK. It is never my intention to harm another. I hope that as I open my heart to people, new or old friends, they feel the love. I pray that I may be welcoming and offer genuine affection for a new friend. So, I will continue to work toward this. I will be thankful for these experiences. I will open my heart, express great joy and love, surround myself with uplifting people… These friends of mine, new and old… We are all different, but we are one in the same. After all, we are all just misfits.