The Unknown

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Often times, we judge too harshly, especially things we know nothing about. I am as guilty as anyone else when it comes to judging others. I used to say, “It’s just human nature to judge”. It’s not at all. I don’t believe that the Divine ever intended for us to be judgmental of our fellows. This is just my belief, but I choose to live by that today. There are aspects of other peoples lives we know nothing about, yet we bitterly judge others based on what we can see. So, here is a little insight on my life and what remains unknown to most of the outside world…

Almost every morning I wake up before the alarm goes off. Sleep eludes me often and leaves me feeling anxious when I should be grateful to be waking up at all. My first thought is almost always, just five more minutes. I will undoubtedly hit the snooze button on my phone (often times more than once) and lay there wishing I could just sleep. Most of the time I lay there awake, but I have no desire to climb out from under the covers that I have cocooned myself into. Everyday is an internal battle to pull myself from an uncomfortable, yet safe position, with an aching body to plant my feet on the floor. As I search for my glasses, my hand hits a book that rests comfortably next to my bed… the only way I can fall asleep is by reading and disconnected emotionally from the day I had.

First things first… for me, I grab a bottle of water from the fridge and hit the bathroom. Looking in the mirror at the unsightly mess before me, I start to feel gratitude. It’s often very subtle, but it’s there. There were many, many years when I could not look at myself in the mirror because of the disbelief of what stood before me. I was either rail thin from drug use or bloated from the copious amounts of alcohol consumed the night before. Today, I see a woman who could use a few more workouts, but remains healthy. Once undressed, I step on the scale to begin the day with a dose of self loathing. It really is a wicked little habit, but it just is. Thankfully, by the time I’m done getting ready in the morning my brain forgets the number that flashed in red.

The great debate starts in the shower. What will I wear today. Am I bloated? Do I need to wear something loose fitting and extra comfortable or do I feel thin enough to wear that hip hugging dress? Either way, I will wear a bulky sweater in case I feel the need to hide. Getting out of the shower, getting dressed and putting on make up makes me feel a little more human than I did moments before. It’s amazing how a little foundation to cover up the blotchy skin below can make a woman feel. Once the eye liner and mascara goes on, I begin to feel alive. 30 minutes after waking up, I finally feel like I am able to present myself to the world before me with a little less judgment than I would have received with no make up and sweat pants.

I read a daily devotional/meditation book to try to line up my thoughts with the universe. I pray. I ask for God’s will, honesty and strength. I pray for those around me. I ask for guidance and say thank you. I ask that the desire to drink, use and smoke be removed. Most importantly, I pray for my enemies. I pray for those I have resentment toward and those I am most angry with. I always end my prayer for the addict, alcoholic and gambler who still suffers and those on the road of recovery. I begin my day.

Throughout the course of my day, my character defects come out. I am angry (which I’m certain masks fear) most often. I am judgmental, afraid and disconnected. As much as these flaws come forward, so do my assets. I can be joyful. I am forgiving, honest and sincere. My self judgment comes in. Do my assets show ego? Am I egotistical? Am I a narcissist? I was once told that I can be intimidating because I show confidence. Behind my confidence lies a world of fear. Being someone that rarely feels confident, it blew me away. What is it that is being put out there that makes me threatening to someone? These are the questions that go round and round in my head all day, everyday.

By the time I get home at night, I am emotionally exhausted. I may not have talked to anyone all day or I may have talked to ten people. Either way, it feels like I did battle within my head for eight hours. I cook dinner, clean or pick things up, and sit down. The tv is on, but I’m never watching. It’s background noise to Facebook, reading or playing a game. I justify Words with Friends and Trivia Crack as keeping my mind sharp. Random text messages fly in and distract me from myself, my thoughts. I am afraid of my ability to disconnect with the day I just had, but I am grateful for it anyway. I am still on edge, but the memory of my day has faded within minutes of getting home. My memory serves me well when it needs to, but more often than not I cannot remember why I feel uneasy. The feelings are there, but the reasoning is not. For now, I’m ok with that.

As the darkness creeps in through the blinds, I figure I might as well get ready for bed. I wash my face and brush my teeth, Grabbing a fresh bottle of water, I go through my nightly ritual. Set the alarms for the morning. Double check that the alarms are set for the right time and are actually turned on. Look at the clock to see how much time I have to read. Do the math to see how much time there is to sleep. Turn off the light and turn on the lamp. I read. I quiet my mind again, from the thoughts that roll through about the day. Again, the memories are vague, but I feel uneasy. Getting wrapped up in a book, I realize I’ve read too long and need to lay down. Turning off my lamp, I check my phone to make sure the alarms are set (I clearly have a fear of oversleeping, which is funny considering I’m awake before the alarm goes off). I find a comfortable position and sleep.

Waking up throughout the night, I wonder if I can wait until morning to pee. Hold it for five hours? Probably not. I get up. I go back to bed. I wake up again three hours later. I listen for any strange noises and re position myself in bed. I begin to think about the day before me. I worry about what I forgot to do yesterday. Thoughts come in about past actions. Regret and remorse fill my soul. Reminders of Divine love and forgiveness enter my heart. I drift into an uneasy sleep and wake up before the alarm goes off. I wait for it to ring and hit snooze. Nine minutes later I hit snooze again. I begin again…

Everyday is different. I am not guaranteed sobriety. We are not guaranteed to wake up in the morning. Concentrating on the fact that I may not have a tomorrow, I do my best to live today to the fullest. I tell people I love them. Talking to my friends and family, being with my friends and family allow me to focus on the present moment. When I am with the people I love and care about and who love and care about me, I am at my best. It is the moments after, the moments in silence, when I question every conversation and wonder what they think. My truest friends don’t judge me. I judge me. Wondering if I talked too much about myself or rambled on too much about this or that or the other thing. I am afraid. What if I make a wrong move? What if I said something they don’t agree with? What if? The truth of the matter is, I have the best friends in the world. We are supportive of and honest with each other. We do not need to judge one another because chances are, we judge ourselves enough.

KYLEE CHRISTOFFELS

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