Missing Pieces

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10333684_10203152410108883_9218866110419446692_oI sit here reminding myself, once again, that when I started this little blog I said I would write about the good, the bad, and the ugly. Today is a bit of the ugly…

What do you do when you realize there are missing pieces in your life? An undefined, yet unmistakable missing piece. The answer is not yet clear and it may take some serious searching, but I am not willing to give up. Tonight, sitting around a campfire, I asked a friend, “Do you ever feel like there is something missing in your life”? As we talked a little bit more, it took every ounce of energy to not break down and cry. Surrounded by people that I love and adore, by people who love me back… there is still something missing. An absolute feeling of being incredibly blessed and indescribably alone.

I have to re-evaluate what it is I am doing in my everyday life. Am I making conscious contact with a God of my understanding? Am I willing to be vulnerable? Am I feeling whatever it is I am supposed to be feeling? The answer to each question is no. I have pushed myself away from prayer and meditation. I have been feeling so broken, so uneasy. In search of finding a fix for this, I turned away from God and began to rely on myself. And let’s face it, you can’t fix a broken head with a broken head (not my words, a great man once told me this and it is true every time). The willingness to be vulnerable and accept help goes hand in hand with relying on myself instead of other people. It seems so much easier to just say, “Life is good” than to go into some babble about the chaos whirling around inside. That all inevitably leads to the deeper feeling, the honesty of emotion that I am so comfortable pushing aside. Snark… deep sarcasm… has built a home inside my heart denying myself of actually being able to express the mess of what I feel.

So, I am left with questions on how to fill the void. If I don’t know what is missing, how do I mend the broken pieces? The emptiness that I used to fill with drugs and alcohol, I later filled with the spirit of those around me and a God that I learned to love. The people of my life, the God that I understand… they still fill the void, but it’s no longer complete. So, on this journey, I continue to search. I seek out what is in front of me, what is hiding within the shadows, what is pulling at my heart. Those answers will likely remain unclear for some time, but half the battle is knowing that the emptiness I feel today will be filled with some sort of… something. Even the words are lost. But… I know they will be found, and so will I. Those missing pieces will be found, and again disappear. We will continue to battle on through this, for a lifetime I would imagine. People fading in and out, pieces being broken and mended, my soul hurting and healing…

In his song “I Will Not Be Broken”, Ben Harper says: I’ve come too far to give up, Or to be turned around, I will not be broken, I will not go down… So, today, missing pieces and all… I will move forward, even if it is the tiniest baby step. Because I will not be broken.

Kylee Christoffels

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