Recovery, one could say, is an ongoing attempt to find something that was lost. I will recover it. What is it? Is it the life that I should have had if this disease of Alcoholism wasn’t blocking off the mental capacity to not drink? Maybe? Who wouldn’t want to blame a disease on what or why life has turned out the way it has for the past forty-six or so years? Wait….is that the thought process’s in my head and/or the community gathering its forces to tell me that “HEY…you can drink today…its ok”! I have justified it! Maybe?
What does it mean to me to be in recovery? On a good day it is the best feeling (key word being “feeling”) in the world. I am full of gratitude, joy and happiness. Other days cannot be described by any proper adjectives that can be written in a blog. What it means to me to be in recovery is living life on life’s terms? Now that doesn’t mean that I let people walk all over me but it does mean that I have to face what is happening each day only after I have asked my Higher Power to guide me to his will.
People told me when I got sick and tired of being sick and tired I would do something about it or that my Higher Power would. Well after several attempts of controlled drinking that was controlling me it had to stop. The next step for this old gal was a coffin paid for by the state since I was flat broke and no one I knew anymore would bury me. Everyone was gone! Why? Maybe it was my drinking and the way that I was acting with the selfishness of me only in my mind.
The Doctors opinion states that they have seen many who have recovered. I want to be one of those my head screams at me. How can I do this? Well what I have learned today is that I must do what the BIG BLUE BOOK suggests that I do. Isn’t that a contradictory statement? The word must and suggest in one sentence. Words are fun to ponder sometimes. Let me clarify that please with a game I used to play with words. If the words worked for me in my plan then yes please use those words just as I have stated otherwise they have no meaning for me. (Selfish? Self-centered?) Today I must live in recovery or die. I am not in the mind to die today so I will do the next right thing, pray for others and try to be the maximum service to God and our fellows. Some day’s it is not perfect but one of the greatest things is that I don’t have to think or believe that I must do it perfectly anymore (like I thought I had to).
Tall Grass gave me the tools to use to live in recovery if I choose to do so. Once I began the path to recovery I found that I did indeed want to live in recovery instead of just going thru the motions like I had done for years before with the coming in and going back out. I have been sober 1,332 days by God’s Grace (my Higher Power). I do not do it perfectly and some days I just have to let it be!
I do not today want to recover what I lost. I have found a new way to exist in the imperfection of life by doing the next right thing not the next five things. The old has no place in my head or my heart only the steps of going forward working and living in from one to twelve then all over again will I begin to walk the path in recovery.
Lisa C. alumnus #139